Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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