Kiss
Puke
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
