The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?