Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!