it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.