We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
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Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"