They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need water and some morals
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
