my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
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They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?