I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
