I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
