Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
