After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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