This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
