Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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