I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
