My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
