Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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