RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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