Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
