dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
