I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
