they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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