If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
