I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Terrible idea I love it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
