Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
