From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
