Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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