Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When are your genitals available?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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