Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
