I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
