I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
