I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
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Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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