she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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