halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
