I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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