This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
