i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You were trust falling into bushes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
