Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
