I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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