Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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