Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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