Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize