dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
