Whatcha textin bout Willis?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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