he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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