my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
