I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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