apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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