if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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