I cannot find my penis.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you will always have a special place in my vag
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
