Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
