I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
PANTIES FOUND
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