so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My penis needs a shock collar
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
