this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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