I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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