i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
