Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
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Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize