So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
