We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
