come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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